If someone told me that senior year would have been the way it has been for me, I would have only partially believed them. I say this because the past eight months have been eight of the most ridiculous roller coaster rides I would have ever expected. I’m not talking the duo-toned roller coasters where it’s just up and down, good and bad. I’m talking the up, down, in the middle, half up – half down, super down, lower than low, higher than high, middle-high, middle-low, you name it… sometimes in a week.. hell let’s be real, sometimes just in 24 hours.
I’m stubborn though ya’ll, this post isn’t exactly like me…
I’m not the type to show my emotions to everybody, or even if I do show my emotions, show the depth to which they are affecting me.
But it’s time for some honesty, because honestly, I now know for a fact after talking to a handful of seniors, and even some juniors waiting in line for the senior year ride, that I cannot be the only one on this campus, nor in this world that hasn’t felt like this at some point, or right now.
I have been in a constant state of fear, anxiety, depression, happiness, and emotion for the past 8 months. Nights are especially hard, because that’s when all the meetings, classes, and talking stops, and the only talking, the only sounds I hear are swirling all around me in my head, my heart, in and out of my ears, overwhelming me even more. And many might say “Pssh, how can that be? You have it all together”, and to that I say LOL , a huge laugh out loud. I don’t think there has ever been a period for more than a few hours where even i’ve felt completely together, and although I don’t think that is a bad thing, I do want to say that not having it all together all the time is definitely a part of humanity, and I don’t try and be perfect and act like it’s not a part of my reality.
There’s this large fat ball of anxiety (my friends have heard me describe it as a fat guy) on my chest at all times. The size fluctuates, somedays it’s tiny, somedays it’s huge and the smallest of things, positive or negative can triple or double its weight and size. Somedays its a lump in my throat. Somedays it sucks all the energy out of me and feels like a million bricks.
I have trouble wanting to get out of bed in the morning.
Among my friends and colleagues they know that I am a heavy sleeper. In times of humor I pride myself on it. Oh yeah I could sleep through anything, if Jesus came back tomorrow morning he’d have to poke me and tell me to get up cause he knows how hard I fall asleep. But it’s not that part that is the tough part, not the opening of my eyes, but the willing my body out of bed part. Willing my mind to slow down and just take the first step of the day, the step onto the floor. No, oh no, my body and mind, and heart would rather just curl up and stay in bed all day long… and avoid the roller coaster ride for just one more day.
I am constantly surrounded, consistently supported, and yet I feel alone.
In the past year I have seen my inner circle grow tinier and tinier. And the results are some pretty amazing, ambitious, hilarious, and wonderful people.
In the past year I have to deal with this weird soap opera like love life that I know is bound to teach me so much but I’m still waiting for some of those lessons to begin, but I guess they only start once the pain ends.
In the past year, my mind has grown and opened its horizons, grown stronger and better at defending my dreams from doubt and sadness… all the while my heart has been lagging behind.
And so I come to my inspiration for this post. A decision I made that completely tore me apart in ways i never expected it to.
Less than three weeks ago I let go of a person who presented their heart to me in a box. Who’d filled my last few months with laughter, care, emotion, attention, intensity, and faith. All the while, I’m struggling with everything mentioned above, and with some things dealing with this person as well. And my fear, anxiety, and emotion won. In addition to practical reasons that led me to let this person go, the fear-anxiety-emotional combo is what truly sealed the deal. And what’s worse is that making the decision to do so revokes all my rights to the laughter, care, emotion, attention, intensity, and faith. What is worse, is that I did to this person, what just a year ago, was done to me. And so I know exactly what the receiving end of my reasoning feels like.
And the first quote that came to mind when I verbalized my decision, was
” What if I fall? Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
There are days when I regret the decisions I make that are inspired in any way-shape-or form by fear-anxiety-and emotion. And then there are days when I have a glimmer of confidence that it was the right thing to do. And the only advice I can give to people searching for the key to not crumbling after making a hard decision… is to think it through.
Thinking may not always help, but it can calm you down.
When thinking of reversing any hard decision. I think of how. After I figure out how, I think of why. Why is the hardest part. Is the why the why you truly see or the why that everyone is telling you to see? Is the why how you truly feel? Or is the why the why that people are inspiring you to feel? Then after that mess is semi-figured out, I return back to how. How to reverse or not reverse. How to crumble and stand back up, or not crumble and grow stronger.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about my choices every night when the words are flying all over my head. And I’d be lying if I said that I will never change my mind, because I know that is a possibility. But if that truly ends up being the case, I can only hope for the best… and prepare for the worst.
Crumbling just CAN’T be an option right now.
This is what i tell myself every morning to get out of bed. Ultimately I admit this not to gain pity, nor worry…but to make others with their own options, with their own pep talks…realize all of this mess is not a singular thing.
What’s that saying? Keep on keepin’ on?
Keep on Keepin’ on
And if we fall? We fall…. But what if, what if…we do fly?
Besides… Who ever said chasing your dreams was easy?