Heartaches & Heartbreaks #6: Learning to like, and to love again, and again, and again

I know that the title of this series threw people off. You might have assumed the entire series would consist of stories of how my heart has been broken and how I’ve overcome those moments. Nope. That would be a really long series though. As you can tell, if you’ve seen and read the first 5 posts of this series, I believe that there are a lot of other hard lessons to learn and experience that can feel either exactly like, or really similar to a heartbreak…and they definitely make your heart ache.

I try to integrate my personal business into these without feeling too uncomfortable for your sake and mine… I believe in transparency…but matters of the heart are a touchy subject, so if I ramble around particular parts, it’s because finding the words to say about something that changed you internally…can be one of the hardest things you ever do.

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(taken from pinterest)

So I am finally doing a post, the last of this particular series in the genre that every one assumed the series would be in.

I also promise to do future posts more in depth about my feelings on relationships as many people have surprisingly requested, but in the mean this one… is just about another lesson.

So let’s begin!

Learning to like and to love again and again and again

Sometimes… I miss the simplicity of middle school/high school romance.

Notice I didn’t say I missed middle/high school romance, but rather the simplicity of the romance that would pop up and distract us during those times. Why? Because I miss the days where if you liked someone you’d spend maybe a week or two mulling over it and then you’d tell them. In a note, in person, or you’d get that friend to you know, get you the hook up.

Now, getting the hook up? Is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Notes? no more.

Telling someone how you feel? Could happen, could not ever happen, could actually take a year or two to happen, but there’s no real guarantee. The art of friends helping friends out isn’t dead but I mean it really depends on the friend and the pool you’re picking from–but I’ll get into that later.

I have this crazy belief that having feelings for someone should not be complicated… and I am frustrated because I’ve internalized the societal/peer pressured thought-process that makes liking someone so so so complicated.

I used to so bold. I once asked the same guy if he liked me 3 times in middle school. 3 times. Said no each time, I brushed it off like a champ (was actually real upset 2/3 times …) . Then got over it (Finally). Then a year later he asked me out, and I said no. Not out of revenge, the feelings were gone. And that’s life.

Once I came to college, I was introduced to the notion of being casual. Oh yeah we’re just “chillin” we’re just “hanging out” . What? Huh?

Once I came to college, I was exposed to the whole culture of talking to multiple people at once, and i’m over here like what…. ? how??? Don’t you get tired?? How is that not stressful?

Please know that I’m not passing judgment. I’m saying this from my point of view entirely, and these are few things I don’t understand.

Another thing that seems to be not really common (again it might be my environment, I’ll get there) is friendships that lead to something else. Once you are in the friend zone you are there for good my friend (hahaha) and I learned that really quickly, as in first year of college quickly.

And now I find myself finally coming to terms with the new system around me. And I can respond accordingly and often times it doesn’t even come as a surprise. Oh friend zone? okay, you’re staying there too, no biggie. Oh you’re trying to chill? That’s cool, but no I’m good, I can chill with my friends. But nevertheless, although it isn’t surprising, it stings each time, no one is invincible, I know I’m not. But I still have hope.

Pouring my heart out? Can take your girl here anywhere from 3 months to 1.5 years. What happened to the bold awkward 7th grader? I have no clue. I’m still awkward, just not bold.

I’ll stop my rant. To say, that going through all of this mess–being hurt, and getting over it, and then being hurt again and then getting over it, and then getting the courage to say something and finally saying it… etc…. has taught me a lot, and I know that it hasn’t been a waste of my time.

You see, when you learn what love is, or how to love someone, or what you like and how to communicate that or express that, in a complicated system like the one in place now…. you’re actually growing stronger I think.

strongweak                                                              (taken from pinterest…)

 Let’s look at the bright side…

I can’t begin to tell you, how much I value some of the friendships that developed from friend zoning. It’s not me copping out its me being honest.

I can’t begin to tell you what being able to observe and recognize and learn the differences between what I want and what lies in the question “hey you wanna chill?” has done for me…. it’s protected me and my heart from a lot.

And I can’t begin to express how weirdly wonderful it is, although stressful and painful sometimes….to develop feelings for a person, develop them, think through them, understand them, and feel finally ready and comfortable enough to say something about it even after all that. It’s kind of great, no matter the outcome. To be able to say no matter the outcome, I took a chance and said something, I spoke up for my heart.

The lessons just keep on coming

Ultimately, I keep learning how to express what my heart and I want. Again and again, I come across new concepts that I didn’t think of before….because the process was too simple.

I think my biggest fear in being single for the past 4 years has been losing my appreciation of love and relationships. I don’t want to be bitter. I realized that although simple and easy is nice, it won’t always work out that way, and if was the right person, wouldn’t complicated be worth it anyways?

Many might call me too idealistic on this matter. That the hook up culture and technology has ruined dating and relationships.  I don’t think so. People ruin dating and relationships, hook up culture and technology complicate them often time unnecessarily so.

I may not be bold like I used to be, but I still fall just as hard. And I don’t feel ashamed of that fact.

And if you don’t speak up for your heart, defend it from not only others and the outside influences, but also from the negative-nancy(or neil for my fellas) that we all can be some times…then I don’t think it’s possible to truly get over heartaches and heart breaks.

If someone breaks your heart, they are not the ones responsible for putting it back together. No matter what your story is, standards are, history is etc… a heartbreak is a heartbreak for a reason. It is a pause in a moment or series of moments that requires that you stop and listen and tend to one of the most important muscles in your body.

The one thing that has saved me the most pain is not being ashamed of my faith in love or how hard I can fall for someone in the first place. It’s one of those things society tries to say is a weakness when really, it can just as easily be turned into a strength.

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                                                               (taken from pinterest…)

I just believe, and I know i’ll continue to learn these lessons and new things even after I find the “one” whoever God is sitting on or secretly rooting for that to be.

And I’m okay with that.

Until then, I will keep on keeping on…trying to stay as faithful to my heart as I can possibly be, as I learn to like and love again and again and again…

Much love,

SWC

Thank you so much for supporting this series! If you have suggestions for a new post, or the next series please email me at stephwatkinscruz@gmail.com . 

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